Clouded Path

The path ahead is unclear....
The path behind is foggy.
Where will I be in ten or so years?
No one knows, especially me.
The path behind is a faded memory.
Why can't I remember my past?
I just want my memories!
Is that too much to ask???
Living alone with my two furbabies.
Wishing my significant other could live with...
Apart, separated, yet together as one.
I'm half of a whole. Just one piece of the puzzle.
Incomplete and alone.
Will we ever be whole again or is it unknown?
Oh you mysterious path, bend thy will to me!
Is it too much to ask that I be whole again, that I be one with my lover?
Being apart is such misery. Alone surrounded by darkness is not what I need!
Starting to come up for air. Burried in my hole of misery for far too long.
Getting  back to the basics. Making a fresh start. Will it work? Will it stick?
Time will only tell. To live in hell or to start anew. Let's see which will win.
                                        Wish Me Luck!!!

Moved Webpages

Moved Sites

Moved from

"Ramblings From The Void Within"

To:

"The Beginning of The End5"

New Year, New Me. Resurfacing Again

New year, new me
Resurfacing again.
Am i new, is this old.
What am i this year?
Reborn am I or is this old?
Time will only tell.
I feel like I've been awakened once more.
Fresh and vibrant, unlike before.
I will conquer FEAR, I say.
But is it beyond my grasp?
Feeling like I've awakened my inner self.
But is this just old feelings from the past?
Trying so hard to be free, to be me. To live like there is no tomorrow and not to be like before.
Like the past or the rest. To be free  and unburdened. . To fly high above the clouds like a phantom.
Soaring up above, through the vapor of the puffy white goodness. To be free and unburdened. Free?
What a concept, to be free. Is anyone ever really free? What is your definition of free? Unburdened?
Free: enjoying personal rights or liberty, as a person who is not in slavery. That's one definition.
But how do we become free of  the prison in one's mind? To be truly gifted with one's own freedom?
To be able to do something at will; at liberty. "free to choose" To be liberated in one's own mind.
I choose to be me. Whatever that may mean. Trying to find myself this year. The "real" me.
Deep within myself. To the places that the light has forgotten to shine upon in the many vast years that came before this time. This year. To find myself and set it free, from it's cage, deep inside me.
To shine a light so bright yet so soft as to not burn it all away. To let it shimmer into my darkness.
Unlocking the enclosure of my inner being. The part of me that was locked away when i was a child.
To protect my true self. But what or who am I? The real me. The me that is yet to be discovered.
Will I like me or hate me. If old hidden me meets the me of today... Will their be war? Pain?
Suffering? Will the former try to kill the latter? or Vice Versa? Will we conjoin and make nice?
Anxiety, my enemy. Surrounding me with fear and pain. Will I conquer fear? Or will it conquer me?
The new year (2018) can be a bright new beginning. A fresh start. The start of a beautiful beginning.
Slowly I try to change myself, into someone more familiar to my inner soul. My true self.
Merging the in with the out. Becoming one. Becoming whole. Merging the in with the out.
Will I be able to remove my mask? Unmasking can be so vulnerable and scary.
Will I continue to keep myself in my prison? My mind and my body? My world a small cage.
Time will only tell. Tick Tock. Tick Tock. Tick Tock. Ticking away the seconds, minutes, days go by.

The NIghtmare

Tuesday, May 3, 2016

The Nightmare

You haunt me day and night 

Scare me just by sight

I can not run

I can not hide

You know me too well

You live inside 

Me

My body and mind 

I can escape from time to time 

But then you find me 

Pull me back towards you 

Embracing  me into you

You hold me so tightly

Never to let me go again 

Until next time 

My friend… 

5-3-2016

8:40amf

The Nightmare photograph done by Henry Fuseli (1781)

Uprooted Again and Split In Half

Thursday, April 21, 2016

Uprooted Again And Split In Half

Uprooted again and Split in half

I'm tired of this shit, I'm filled with wrath.

Moved again, far far away.

Alone again, I spend all my days...

And Nights.

Endless nights restless and awake.

Fighting the demons that touch and caress.

Will I ever find peace?

Will I ever find serenity?

I'm doomed for eternity!

I'm torn in half between my delusional mind,

and the reality that it seeks to run and hide from.

It's much easier to live in my fantasy world.

Nothing I can't handle and I control most everything.

Don't I?

Subconsciousness is a BITCH!

Telling me what to do,

What to dream,

What to think,

When I think I'm in control!

Nothing can stop me now,

 Because I don't care anymore.

Nothing can stop me now,

Because I just don't fucking care!

What am i supposed to do?  

My pain stops me!

My racing thoughts trap me!

My PTSD consumes me!

My OCD controls me!

My DEMONS condemn me!

Nothing has changed!

Except I moved... again!

I can't escape this pain!

I'm in an eternal jail cell!

Never escaping the judgement of HELL!

4-21-2016

5:47am-f

Downward Spiral

Saturday, July 13, 2013

Downward Spiral

I have been on a downward spiral 

for quite some time now. 

Stuck.

Don't know how to climb back up this time.

Trapped.

Suffocating.

Deserted.

Abandoned.

Alone.

Lonely.

Dying.

Everyday Is Exactly The Same

Friday, June 28, 2013

Everyday Is Exactly The Same

I wake up each day and it's all the same. 

Only a few days goes by that are different from the rest.

I wake up too early, but thats ok. 

I get stuff done early in the morn when it's not so hot.

I rarely ever go out past noon.

Way too hot in this desert heat.

I have to go out today when it will be 117°!

It's going to be 120° tomorrow!

I hate the summers here. 

I want to move north somewhere.

Maybe near Seattle, Washington.

I love the rain & green trees. Plus I love the cooler temps.

I'm stuck in my dream world. 

Playing the same old familiar game.

It consumes me.

It is my reality.

I am lost in it.

Rising From The Ashes

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Rising From The Ashes

Coming out of this coma-like state of mind. I am awakening for it feels as for the first time. I am awake. My eyes are open and I am seeing for the first time. Things are different now somehow. I am still me I guess, but just not so down in the fog of my delusions. I see more clearly now. Things seem better somehow. I am in a good place right now. Getting my shit together. Trying to help my husband get his shit together. If he keeps choosing failure... I will have to leave him. Which is not what I want to do at this moment in time. I feel free! I choose my battles more wisely. I have gotten off of some of my medications. I am going to get off another one by the end of this month. Yay! I can smile and laugh freely now. My psychologist says I'm "hypo-manic" hehe.  I should keep going and never look back, but that's hard not to do. I look back and I "feel" healthier. Mentally and physically! I am pumped up about all the possibilities 2013 can offer me. That very thought excites me! I am enjoying life now. Even though all I do is go from one doctor's office to another one or some type of therapy place. But, hey...gotta do the work to enjoy your pleasures! Remember "LIFE" is only what "YOU" make of it. Find what works for "YOU" and only "YOU". Follow your path no matter how twisted the road may get. You will find your happiness. Your sunshine!

Sleepless Nights

Sleepless Nights

Sunday Febuary 26, 2012

Sleepless nights, dreams aflight.

Tinkering in my mind, can't see the light.

Dark scary demons to fight.

He is one of a kind.

Draconic and wise.

He does hate and despise.

He visits you in  your dreams.

He whispers to you lies.

His anger flows in tides.

He is more scary than he appears.

He feeds off your fears.

He licks away your tears.

This is his moment to shine.

Time to switch gears.

Torturing until the morning nears.

Thats how he unwinds.

Until the next sunset.

He thinks about regret.

He answers that he has none.

He swoops in like a jet.

Anticipating, his roll is set.

This is just only starting to get fun.

1-19-2012

I'm Dying Inside

I'm Dying Inside

Sunday Febuary 26, 2012

A pile of old dry leaves.

Light of a match,

and catch a cool breeze.

Watch them go up.

As bright as lit christmas trees.

Smoldering flames all around.

Burning it all down to the ground.

When all is said and done.

Your left with a pile of ash.

Now wasn't that fun?

12-18-2011

Happiness

Happiness

Sunday Febuary 26, 2012

World of happiness,

can't see my world of grief.

Pain, suffering from day to day.

But its ok if you like your life. OK!

You want me out of your world?

My world is played out in my head

and on my paper.

Deciphering incrypted knowledge

That only I posess.

Possession in 9tenths of the law

Even under arrest.

Yes my world is distorted.

Contorted, controlled by me.

You wouln't survive my reality,

my world.

Cause I'd kill you.

Swiftly with a sword or

a bullet to your brain pan.

Happiness is a false sense of a way of being.

It is not my reality.

It is not my future.

And it has never been my past.

What! Jingle Bells? Go to Hell!!

Die another day they say.

Music played every day in my head.

Private concert.

Invitation one.

I wish I can stop this madness.

Shoot me in the head.

Stab me in my broken heart.

Just let the pain be gone.

Happiness is not reachable anymore.

It does not exist.

12-12-2011

The World and Me

The World and Me

Sunday Febuary 26, 2012

The world is spinning out of control.

Oh wait that's my mind too.

Talking to fragmented minds from the past.

How possibly do I unwind.

Popping pills left and right.

There is no limit set insight.

Reaching for the stars,

that I know I'll never touch.

Too much reality, THAT'S ENOUGH!

People doing things day to day.

Not caring, not noticing that

I'm dying up in here.

But that's just the world and me.

Surviving unsympathetically..

12-12-2011

If I Die

If I Die

Sunday Febuary 26, 2012

If I Die

The pain will stop

My memories will not exist

The dizziness will be a

Thing of the past

The noise in my head,

will be silent forever.

I won't have to be scared

of the things that I see

That aren't really there.

I won't be scared of leaving my apartment.

I won't have to worry about

Why I am frightened of your touch.

I won't have to worry about

avoiding looking at you when we speak

I won't have to take 40+ pills a day

I won't have to hide in my imaginary world

That only exists in my mind

I won't have to worry about

ever being hurt again. Ever.

Everything will end.

I will fade away.

You will forget me.

I never existed anyways.

11-2-2011

Dillutional

Dillutional

Sunday Febuary 26, 2012

Delusional... Delusional.

Its hard for me to see.

Am I in heaven? Am I in hell?

It is hard for me to believe!

What is really going on?

I just want this pain to end.

Chimes in the wind.

Playing in my mind.

People talking, won't shut up.

Trains blasting through.

Is this actually real?

Organ chords playing in my ear.

Racing thoughts of everything

Going through my mind.

Ringing phones...

Is that yours or mine?

What you say?

You didn't hear a thing!

Must be my delusional mind again!

Then I lay me down to sleep.

Only to wake from horrifying night dreams.

Just want to be loved,

understood and cherished.

Instead I just want it over.

Just let me perish!

Haven't I been through enough?

11-30-2011

Alone

Alone

Sunday Febuary 26, 2012

Your not my friends.

Your just figments of my imagination.

Shadow puppets on the wall.

Cause you dont talk to me at all.

Just smoke and mirrors.

Look how they shimmer.

Dancing in the dark.

In the hidden part of my mind.

Big POP, then lights fade out.

And so do you my friends.

So do you...

Now I am all alone again.

11-30-2011

Trapped

Trapped

Sunday Febuary 26, 2012

Each day is like the last one.

My chaotic split mind disturbs me.

My thoughts racing, never done.

Images in my head never seen.

Anger inside me rages.

Things never get done, it takes ages.

I feel trapped inside cages.

My life has gone down hill in stages.

I do want to get better.

But for me that is too unlikely.

Might write my last letter.

A note for you whom never liked me.

So alone, alone am I.

Sitting in crowded rooms, so alone.

Some days I just want to die.

I'm stuck in this lonely crazy lie.

8-19-2011

Daily Life

Daily Life

Sunday Febuary 26, 2012

To wake up each morning,

To start the day anew.

If only I could sleep.

If only each day was new.

I repeat each day all over.

Every day is exactly the same.

Sometimes I wish my life was over.

I wish my life wasn't so lame.

Racing thoughts of things present and past.

Sleepless nights of days that can't last.

Dreamless nights when I do get to sleep.

Thoughts in my head, I can't whisper a peep.

Routine now for over 3 weeks.

Normality is what I really seek.

Suicidal thoughts seep into my mind.

Logically the soulution is the only kind.

Can I save myself from my  own doom?

Can I stop myself from my fated gloom?

I want a normal life to life for once.

To be sometime not so socially awkward for once.

I want to live without this suffering pain.

I would like to be better than I am.

4-15-2011

Moved

MOVED!

Sunday Febuary 26, 2012

So, ... I haven't written in a while... a pattern has begun again... turmoil in my heart and mind and soul.  I moved over six months ago into a place for "patients" So, I'm living alone. With only one Kitty. I had to give up my other 3 kitties to a no kill shelter. Sad... very sad... My meds are losing effect and I can't stand life for the most part. My place is ok, but I have to go outside the house way to much. I missed all my appointments in January and most in February.... I was sick on and off for that time. I need to find a new PCP. I no longer live with my husband. He can't live with me because he is not a patient. He lives with his momma and works two jobs now. Still not enough money to live on. I'm not going to say I'm going to try to keep my blog up... but... I don't like to lie or break my promises. I live in a bigger city and hate going out for my appointments. I like staying home but then again I hate it. I wish I was better. I am maxed out on my meds and I don't know what else to take to make me better. I am now taking meds for PTSD. Not sure if its helping. Been painting...  I mainly paint dragons.  I have been playing into my fantasy world more and more each day. Its all I live for anymore besides occasionally doing a piece of artwork. I am becoming or am more delusional that I realize. I am going to post a few poems to show my state of mind these past year... Until next time...

Broken Mask

Friday, March 25, 2011

Broken Mask

Returning here from my long absences... Can't describe what it has been like when I was gone. Just darkness in my mind. I can't remember. My memory is but a thing of the past. I can't focus long enough to remember much of anything. My mind as of late is twisted and strange. I can't get back to the me that I used to be and I can't see myself going on any longer as the person I have become. I am home alone most of the time and when I am not alone... It is as if I am anyways. I don't have anyone to tell this to really. No one cares enough to say much. I'm dying with this hurt inside of me. I don't know how to go on. I have lost interest in most everything. Even if I could talk to someone I don't know where to start. I don't know what to say to convey how I  am feeling in which they could understand my pain. Yeah I know people out there have it worse than me.. but I am stuck in a prison not only in my mind but literally a prison in my own house. I have agoraphobia and that doesn't help me much. I came back to the computer to find people to talk to but that isn't great either... I am socially awkward and never know what to say. Even my family doesn't understand that I just can't talk to them because I don't feel like pretending  to be happy for them. I'm past that now.. trying to pretend all the time to be what I am not. I know I had to have been happy one time or another in my life. Though with my memory like it is .. I don't remember those times if and when they were actually there. My mask is broken now... flawed by my own destruction. I don't know what will bring me "out" again. Some think I can just push a button and fix it all in a matter of mere seconds. How could he have said that. Does he now realize what he said and how if would affect me? It doesn't matter... nothing matters much anymore to me. Though I do have a strong sense of caring for others and how they feel. I worry about them and wish I could do whatever to make them feel better and happy. I only want the best for the people in my life. And that is not me... I'm going to try and blog more... At least I will try.

Insane Asylum

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Insane Asylum

So as the title says,

I haven't written in so long because,

I was in an Insane Asylum.

Crazy Times!!

I was only there for 10 days.

Though, those 10 dayse were hell.

They switched my meds around,

and then sent me home.

I wanted out.

I asked the doctor if I could leave,

and he let me leave. Neat! ha

So now that I'm out....

I have been having these horrible nightmares.

Demons mostly.

When I first got out,

I couldn't sleep in the dark.

I had and still have bad panic attacks.

Thank God for the Xanax!

I'm doing better now.

I don't have panic attacks like I did before.

I can even sleep in the dark.

Sounds crazy but that hospital was crazy.

I hate being confined and the hospital was one

big jail for me to be in.

I'm doing what I love now.

Well, most of what I love doing.

I'm living again.