I've moved again. Is this the end? Or starting somewhere new...

It happened.

I did it.

The impossible.

Still not recovered.

I was forced to move before my movers showing up a few days later,

They just threw my precious things in boxes but the didn't give me all my things.

My precious things.

Not to mention they just threw away all my groceries that we just had bought!!!

yes,

I'm beyond LIVID!!!

Now in a new place just like the old space. 

Sorta.

Same layout. Same location. 

Yet, different in every way.

I keep saying. To myself.

"I'm safe in this moment. I'm not in my past and I'm not in my future. I'm safe in this moment."

I can't cry. They tortured that out of me decades ago.

I pray and hope i have what matters most to me.

I hope and pray that my precious things aren't misplaced, trashed or stolen!!

Three days since the move, yet stress is still mountains high. 

Higher by the minute.

Stress is unbearable.

Is there no END?

I'm filled with regret.

You say "I must forget"

How do I possibly achieve that?

TMH? TMN!

I'm at a severe loss.

I am grieving greatly!!

Oh please tell me,

How must I go on?

The path ahead is so foggy.

The trail is all but lost.

I pray even harder.

Please God save me!!!

On top of eerything else...

I completely forgot to take me night medicine.

Which makes me go to sleep.

SO, I'm up...

After 3am...

Desperate for some shut-eye.

I'm going insane!!!

Again Lord I beg,

"Please save me."

Clouded Path

The path ahead is unclear....
The path behind is foggy.
Where will I be in ten or so years?
No one knows, especially me.
The path behind is a faded memory.
Why can't I remember my past?
I just want my memories!
Is that too much to ask???
Living alone with my two furbabies.
Wishing my significant other could live with...
Apart, separated, yet together as one.
I'm half of a whole. Just one piece of the puzzle.
Incomplete and alone.
Will we ever be whole again or is it unknown?
Oh you mysterious path, bend thy will to me!
Is it too much to ask that I be whole again, that I be one with my lover?
Being apart is such misery. Alone surrounded by darkness is not what I need!
Starting to come up for air. Burried in my hole of misery for far too long.
Getting  back to the basics. Making a fresh start. Will it work? Will it stick?
Time will only tell. To live in hell or to start anew. Let's see which will win.
                                        Wish Me Luck!!!

Moved Webpages

Moved Sites

Moved from

"Ramblings From The Void Within"

To:

"The Beginning of The End5"

New Year, New Me. Resurfacing Again

New year, new me
Resurfacing again.
Am i new, is this old.
What am i this year?
Reborn am I or is this old?
Time will only tell.
I feel like I've been awakened once more.
Fresh and vibrant, unlike before.
I will conquer FEAR, I say.
But is it beyond my grasp?
Feeling like I've awakened my inner self.
But is this just old feelings from the past?
Trying so hard to be free, to be me. To live like there is no tomorrow and not to be like before.
Like the past or the rest. To be free  and unburdened. . To fly high above the clouds like a phantom.
Soaring up above, through the vapor of the puffy white goodness. To be free and unburdened. Free?
What a concept, to be free. Is anyone ever really free? What is your definition of free? Unburdened?
Free: enjoying personal rights or liberty, as a person who is not in slavery. That's one definition.
But how do we become free of  the prison in one's mind? To be truly gifted with one's own freedom?
To be able to do something at will; at liberty. "free to choose" To be liberated in one's own mind.
I choose to be me. Whatever that may mean. Trying to find myself this year. The "real" me.
Deep within myself. To the places that the light has forgotten to shine upon in the many vast years that came before this time. This year. To find myself and set it free, from it's cage, deep inside me.
To shine a light so bright yet so soft as to not burn it all away. To let it shimmer into my darkness.
Unlocking the enclosure of my inner being. The part of me that was locked away when i was a child.
To protect my true self. But what or who am I? The real me. The me that is yet to be discovered.
Will I like me or hate me. If old hidden me meets the me of today... Will their be war? Pain?
Suffering? Will the former try to kill the latter? or Vice Versa? Will we conjoin and make nice?
Anxiety, my enemy. Surrounding me with fear and pain. Will I conquer fear? Or will it conquer me?
The new year (2018) can be a bright new beginning. A fresh start. The start of a beautiful beginning.
Slowly I try to change myself, into someone more familiar to my inner soul. My true self.
Merging the in with the out. Becoming one. Becoming whole. Merging the in with the out.
Will I be able to remove my mask? Unmasking can be so vulnerable and scary.
Will I continue to keep myself in my prison? My mind and my body? My world a small cage.
Time will only tell. Tick Tock. Tick Tock. Tick Tock. Ticking away the seconds, minutes, days go by.

The NIghtmare

Tuesday, May 3, 2016

The Nightmare

You haunt me day and night 

Scare me just by sight

I can not run

I can not hide

You know me too well

You live inside 

Me

My body and mind 

I can escape from time to time 

But then you find me 

Pull me back towards you 

Embracing  me into you

You hold me so tightly

Never to let me go again 

Until next time 

My friend… 

5-3-2016

8:40amf

The Nightmare photograph done by Henry Fuseli (1781)

Uprooted Again and Split In Half

Thursday, April 21, 2016

Uprooted Again And Split In Half

Uprooted again and Split in half

I'm tired of this shit, I'm filled with wrath.

Moved again, far far away.

Alone again, I spend all my days...

And Nights.

Endless nights restless and awake.

Fighting the demons that touch and caress.

Will I ever find peace?

Will I ever find serenity?

I'm doomed for eternity!

I'm torn in half between my delusional mind,

and the reality that it seeks to run and hide from.

It's much easier to live in my fantasy world.

Nothing I can't handle and I control most everything.

Don't I?

Subconsciousness is a BITCH!

Telling me what to do,

What to dream,

What to think,

When I think I'm in control!

Nothing can stop me now,

 Because I don't care anymore.

Nothing can stop me now,

Because I just don't fucking care!

What am i supposed to do?  

My pain stops me!

My racing thoughts trap me!

My PTSD consumes me!

My OCD controls me!

My DEMONS condemn me!

Nothing has changed!

Except I moved... again!

I can't escape this pain!

I'm in an eternal jail cell!

Never escaping the judgement of HELL!

4-21-2016

5:47am-f

Downward Spiral

Saturday, July 13, 2013

Downward Spiral

I have been on a downward spiral 

for quite some time now. 

Stuck.

Don't know how to climb back up this time.

Trapped.

Suffocating.

Deserted.

Abandoned.

Alone.

Lonely.

Dying.